how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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