I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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