I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
