you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
