I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
