yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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