you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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