I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
