its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
