i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
