Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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