Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
