I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize