Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
