I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
