mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
