totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
