maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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