she was so not down for the gang bang
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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