I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize