Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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