he wants to bone in the snuggie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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