And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
