i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
