dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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