He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
