The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
a search helicopter?!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
