Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
