I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
