Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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