apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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