foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
