This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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