everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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