at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We are all done wearing pants today
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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