I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When are your genitals available?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
