When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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