He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
