Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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