Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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