Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
