he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
