she was so not down for the gang bang
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
