My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
