My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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