i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
