i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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