an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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