fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
