hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
