What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
