her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
