I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
