Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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