Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
