is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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